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Junior Seau Arrested for Domestic Violence, then Drives SUV off a Cliff

Retired NFL superstar Junior Seau was arrested in San Diego this morning on suspicion of domestic violence — and booked into the Vista Detention Facility around 2:30 AM.

The former member of the San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins, and New England Patriots was released roughly an hour later.

What happened next is pretty crazy!



Seau, drove his SUV off a cliff located in Carlsbad, CA just a few miles north of where he had been released from Jail.

From the pictures you can see that it was a pretty brutal accident, almost landing his SUV on the beach near the water. However; at this time Seau has survived the accident — and has been transported to a local hospital.

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Ex-Agent Josh Luchs, admits paying College Athletes

This story appears in the October 18, 2010 issue of Sports Illustrated

I will never forget the first time I paid a player.

There are moments you will always remember, like your first kiss or your first home run or the day you met your wife. For me, the first time I broke an NCAA rule to try to land a client is just as indelible.

It was before the 1990 football season, and I flew from Los Angeles to Denver and drove to the University of Colorado to try to meet with Kanavis McGhee. He was a big, pass-rushing linebacker who was expected to be a high pick in the 1991 NFL draft. I was 20 years old — the youngest agent ever certified by the NFL Players Association — and had less than a year’s experience, but for whatever reason I convinced myself that I had a shot with him.

I figured out where Kanavis lived, drove to his apartment and knocked on the door. No one answered, so I waited. About four hours later, Kanavis finally came home and I bum-rushed him at the door.

“Hey, Kanavis, my name is Josh Luchs. I’m a sports agent, and I flew here from Los Angeles specifically for you,” I said. “You’re a great player and I came a long way, and I’d really appreciate it if you would sit down and talk to me for a few minutes.”

Kanavis said, “Sure, man. Come on in.”

We sat on his couch, and I gave him my spiel. I told him about myself and asked him questions, trying to connect with him. After about half an hour, Kanavis said to me, “Josh, you seem like a pretty good guy, can I share something with you?”

“Sure.”

“I need some help. My mom lost her job and she’s sick and she hasn’t been able to make her rent. If I don’t come up with $2,500, she is going to get evicted from her apartment.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Let me think about it. I’ll come by tomorrow and let you know.”

That night I sat in my hotel room making a list of pros and cons in my head. Sure, it was breaking NCAA rules, but I would be helping Kanavis out. How would I feel if my mom was sick and I didn’t have money to help her? I went through this for hours and finally decided to do it. The next morning I went to the bank, pulled out some of my bar mitzvah money, $2,500 in cash, showed up at Kanavis’s door and told him, “Kanavis, I gave this a lot of thought, and I want to help you out. I know how I would feel if it was my mom.”

“Thank you so much,” he said. “You’re my boy, man. You’re really coming through for me.”

I went back to my hotel and for a little while I felt good, but then the phone rang. It was a teammate of Kanavis’s calling.

“Hey, man, Kanavis told me you’re a pretty good dude,” he said. “I got this problem, and I need some help. My father is really sick and he is losing his apartment and I need $2,500. Do you think you can help me out the way you helped Kanavis?”

My heart dropped. I hung up and got the hell out of there. The whole flight home I was kicking myself. How could I be so stupid?

THE BALL BOY

How does a dyslexic Jewish kid with no college degree become an NFL agent? How does he last in the profession for nearly 20 years? As it did with many others who became sports agents in the 1980s and early ’90s, the career found me. This was pre-Jerry Maguire, before football agents became as famous as their clients. It was not a glamorous profession and was full of guys who had fallen into it.

I was born in Brooklyn. My father was a urologist and an acupuncturist, and he treated New York Knicks Spencer Haywood and Earl (the Pearl) Monroe. They would come by the house and play basketball with me on the hoop in the front yard while waiting for their appointments. I saw how magical those athletes were, how people responded to them, and knew I wanted to be associated with athletes in the future.

My family moved to Beverly Hills when I was 10, and my father got Raiders season tickets. It became my dream to be part of that team. In the fall of 1985, during my junior year at Beverly Hills High, I talked my way into an internship with Bud Furillo, who hosted a sports talk show on KABC-AM. After I’d worked for free for several months Bud asked how he could repay me.

“Help me get a job with the Raiders,” I said.

Bud talked to owner Al Davis, and a few weeks later I drove to Raiders training camp in Oxnard, Calif., for the first of three summers I would spend as a ball boy.

One of the players I was most excited to meet that first year was Greg Townsend, the star defensive end. When Greg pulled up in his Mercedes for the first day of camp, I ran over to him like some goofball fan, wearing my Raiders-issue, silver-and-black knee socks and shorts, and said, “Hey, Greg, how are you doing?” I offered to help carry his bags, and as we were walking, he asked me where I was from. I knew that Greg grew up in the inner city, in Compton, and I worried that if he heard I was from Beverly Hills he would judge me harshly. I told him I didn’t want to say, but he kept asking. “I am from Beverly Hills, but not from the really, really rich part,” I finally admitted. “I’m from the rougher part.”

Greg laughed his butt off. From that day forward I was his guy, like his little mascot. For Greg and the other players, I would do anything. I sneaked beer up to their rooms; I sneaked girls into their hotel. Once Greg called me at 1 a.m. and asked me to come to his room immediately. I hurried up there, and he answered the door wearing silk pajama bottoms and a smoking jacket and holding a cigarette in one hand and a glass of Grand Marnier in the other. After a long discussion about whether I did drugs (I did not), Greg took out this plastic container, put it on a table and said, “I need some piss I can trust, Josh. Is your piss trustworthy?” He told me he was going to be drug-tested the next day, and if he tested positive, he would be suspended. In my mind, helping him was the right thing to do; Greg was an important player. By giving him my urine, I was doing my part for the team.

Days later, I heard that Greg had been suspended. I couldn’t believe it. Had my urine tested positive? Greg had been sent home from camp so I rushed to his house, and again he answered the door wearing that smoking jacket and holding a glass of Grand Marnier. I started babbling about how my urine couldn’t have tested positive and he just laughed. He said that the testers made him pee in front of them, that my urine hadn’t been used. He appreciated what I had done and that I had come to see him, and then mentioned that he had some girls inside. “Come on in,” he said.

In 1988, during my third summer with the team and the year after I’d graduated from high school, Greg told me that he needed a new agent. “Josh, you are a good guy,” he said. “You care about the players. You and Al [Davis] are both New York Jewish guys. You should be my agent.”

I had never thought about being an agent, but it made sense. I could be close to the players, I could help them, and it would allow me to have a job in sports. I filled out the paperwork required by the NFLPA, just a few forms, and paid about $300. I was 19. I was still living with my parents. I didn’t know anything about contracts and negotiating. But it didn’t matter. I was officially an agent.

PAY TO PLAY

When I first got into the business, I ­naively thought that if players just got to know me, they would hire me. It had worked with Greg Townsend, so why wouldn’t it work with others? I drove to colleges along the West Coast such as Oregon, Stanford, Fresno State and San Diego State and introduced myself to players. I was about the same age they were, and I could talk to them. I think some liked me. But none hired me.

After Colorado, after Kanavis McGhee took my money and then never answered my calls when it came time for him to pick an agent, you would think I would have sworn off paying players. But in my first year in the business, 1990, I paid Chuck Webb, the running back from Tennessee. I gave him a couple hundred dollars during his sophomore year. I also paid several hundred dollars to Mel Agee, the big defensive lineman at Illinois. As with Kanavis, I didn’t land either of them as clients. Mel came to L.A. and said he would sign if I bought a diamond engagement ring for his girlfriend. I would have done it, but the ring cost too much.

It was rough that first year, but I learned valuable lessons. Most of all, I realized I needed someone to show me the ropes. Harold (Doc) Daniels became that person. Doc was a legend, one of the first prominent black NFL agents. Doc, who would die in 2001 after a long illness, was a big dude, like 6’6″, and he wore all this gold jewelry and had a shiny bald head. Other agents were afraid of him, and he also had a reputation for paying and giving gifts to college kids. There used to be a joke in the industry that if you saw a college player driving a Datsun 280Z, then you could forget about signing him. It was widely known Doc had a hookup at a Datsun dealership in Southern California.

In 1992 Doc began helping me understand the business. First, I learned that if I was going to keep paying players I had to do it differently. Giving money in one shot didn’t build a long-term relationship with a prospect; I had to give smaller amounts each month so the player would stay in regular touch. Doc also taught me to focus locally. A common way for an agent to gain a foothold in the business is by getting in with a single school. How did Drew Rosenhaus become so big? He graduated from Miami and was embedded in the school when Ray Lewis, Warren Sapp & Co. went there. I had UCLA.

I rarely went to Bruins games or practices, but I was hanging out all the time with players, including someone who would become my first UCLA client, receiver Sean LaChapelle. Sean and I got to be good friends. He would come over to my parents’ house even when I wasn’t there, like a member of the family. He even gave me a dog, Touchdown, a golden retriever. I hoped to represent Sean after his junior season in 1992, but Rick Neuheisel, a UCLA assistant coach at the time, talked him into coming back for his senior year. I was worried about other agents’ getting to Sean, so I had him give the agents who contacted him the phone number for my house in Woodland Hills. When agents called him they were actually calling my home phone.

Landing Sean gave me credibility with other players, and after him I signed fellow Bruins Carl Greenwood; Othello Henderson; Jamir Miller, who was the No. 10 overall pick in 1994; Matt ­Soenksen; and Chris Alexander. I did a lot for Sean, but I never gave him money. I did, however, pay all the others. Doc and I gave them money around the first of every month. We paid quarterback Ryan Fien while he was at UCLA, and when he transferred to Idaho in 1996 we kept paying him. We gave Bruce Walker and Vaughn Parker of UCLA money too, but they didn’t sign with us. I did more than just hand players cash. When Bruce was thrown in jail for shooting off a gun in L.A. [he would later plead no contest to disturbing the peace], whom do you think he called in the middle of the night to bail him out?

If you were a good player at UCLA, I made a run at you. I tried to get can’t-miss NFL left tackle prospect Jonathan Ogden as a client, but he wouldn’t take my money. He did, however, go with me to a Janet Jackson concert. My girlfriend got two tickets, and I told her, “Sorry, I need those tickets for J.O. He’s a big Janet Jackson fan.” Instead of going to the concert with my girlfriend, I went with a 6’9″ guy who weighed more than 300 pounds and who screamed “Janet!” the whole night like a teenage girl.

The lunches, the money each month, the bail, the concert tickets, those were all NCAA violations, of course, but in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Doc would say to me, “We ain’t members of the NCAA. We didn’t agree to follow these rules.” I also justified it by remembering that the schools and the NCAA were making money while the players, many of whom came from poor families, weren’t getting anything but an education, which many of them didn’t take seriously. Plus, Doc and I knew that if they didn’t take our money, they would take it from one of the dozens of other agents opening their wallets. Agents have been giving kids money for decades. It was more open in the 1960s, ’70s and ’80s, before states passed sports-agent laws making it illegal. Now, agents still do it, but they are more secretive and use middlemen. Anyone who thinks it doesn’t go on needs to look at all the schools currently being investigated by the NCAA for contact between players and agents, places like Alabama, Florida, Georgia and North Carolina. It goes on everywhere.

While most of my energy was spent recruiting UCLA, Doc and I also went after players who had ties to the Los Angeles area. Chris Mims, the Tennessee defensive end who was picked in the first round in 1992, was an L.A. kid Doc and I landed. We paid him about $500 a month during his final season in Knoxville and also paid a guy who was sort of his handler. Michigan State’s Tony Banks, the first quarterback taken in the ’96 draft, was another client. Doc had known Tony since he was a little kid and had represented his uncle, former USC and NFL linebacker Chip Banks. We paid Tony several hundred dollars a month. Colorado’s Greg Thomas, USC’s Delon Washington and Phalen Pounds, and Portland State’s Darick Holmes also took our money and became clients.

However, there were scores of others we paid but lost out on. ­Between 1990 and ’96 I’d estimate that I paid more than 30 players. Joel Steed of Colorado; Rob Waldrop, the Outland Trophy winner from Arizona; and Travis Claridge of USC all took my money but signed with someone else, as did many others. When I called those players and asked them why they didn’t sign with me, they always had the same line: “Sorry, I gotta do what is best for me and my family.”

One of the misconceptions about the agent business is that the kids are victims, preyed on by people like me. When Alabama coach Nick Saban and others rail against the agent business, they don’t mention that most of the time the player or someone from his family approaches us. Guys see that one of their teammates has some cash, ask him about it, and suddenly my phone rings. It was rare to find a player who wouldn’t take the money. I put $10,000 cash in front of Kansas’s Dana Stubblefield, and he wouldn’t take it. I tried to pay UCLA’s J.J. Stokes and USC’s Keyshawn Johnson, and they said, “No.” But for every kid who didn’t take the money, there were dozens who called me and asked to get paid.

THE WHALE

The maximum commission an agent gets for negotiating an NFL player’s contract is 3%. As recently as the mid-1990s it was 5%, but the NFLPA cut it down over the years, and now it is the lowest in any major sport. This makes the competition for the highest draft choices even more ruthless. Doc and I had signed some good players, but to earn real money, I had to land the kind of player every agent covets: a franchise quarterback.

I had spent several years working to get inside the program at Washington State. The school often signed players from Southern California, and I got close to them. Eventually, I was paying several players on the team, including three starting defensive backs from the early 1990s — Torey Hunter, Singor Mobley and John Rushing — and also defensive lineman Leon Bender. Word spread in the locker room that if you needed money, you called me.

One guy who needed money was Ryan Leaf, which was why in 1996 I met with the Cougars’ quarterback at a hotel near campus. This was before his junior season, and Ryan was on the cusp of stardom. He was a whale. I knew that if I could sign him, it would change my life.

At the hotel, Ryan made it clear that he had significant credit card debt, something like $5,000, and needed help. I knew that if I just paid off his debt, he would forget about me and have no reason to develop a relationship. “But I want to help,” I said. “How much do you think you would need each month to make your life easier?” He said he needed around $500 a month, which wasn’t much to pay for a player with Ryan’s potential earnings. In the bathroom of that hotel, he signed an undated representation contract and a loan agreement for the money. Soon afterward, Doc and I began paying him monthly with money orders, ranging from $300 to $700.

I got close with Ryan in a hurry. We talked two to three times a week. I was 26, and he was 20, so I was like an older brother he could party with. I got as close with him as I had with Sean LaChapelle. I had bought a town house in Studio City, and Ryan and a lot of players knew they could crash at my place when they were in Southern California. I kept the fridge full of beer, soda and steaks, and I had every video game. Ryan stayed there a few nights, and I always showed him a good time. He was from Great Falls, Mont., and he would come out here and party with these amazing L.A. girls, and he loved it.

For all of 1997, Ryan was the main focus of my recruiting. At the time I was losing my parents. My mother died in October 1996, and then two months later my father learned he had an inoperable brain tumor.

Ryan knew what I was going through. One day, he came with me to my dad’s house, and while he was there my dad got very upset, talking about how he hated that his illness prevented me from doing my job. Ryan told him, “Don’t worry. Josh doesn’t need to recruit any other players. He’s got me.”

My dad died in May 1997, and I was a mess. But a few weeks later I still went on a trip with Ryan to Las Vegas because I knew he was looking forward to it and I wanted to maintain our bond. It was supposed to be just him and me, but at the last minute two other Washington State quarterbacks, Steve Birnbaum and Dave Muir, joined the trip. That pissed me off. They were not potential clients, and yet Ryan expected me to take care of them too.

We spent two nights in Vegas, and when we checked out, I paid for the room Ryan and I stayed in, but I didn’t pay for Birnbaum and Muir’s room, and that caused a big stir. It was only about $500, and in hindsight I should have just paid for the room, but I was upset at the world because my parents were dead, and for the first time I resented someone expecting me to pay.

After that I was screwed. We drove from Vegas to Lake Havasu in Arizona, and it was very awkward in the car. Even a few days of partying on the lake didn’t change that. Ryan started giving me the cold shoulder, and that continued when I tried to call him in the weeks after. Still, I felt that as long as he needed my $500 a month, I could reel him back in.

You know when you are in a relationship with a girl and you can just tell she is about to break up with you? That is what being around Ryan felt like in the months that followed. Before the 1998 Rose Bowl, I talked to Ryan in a bathroom at the team hotel and gave him some cash, and he couldn’t even look me in the eye. Then the day after the Rose Bowl, Jan. 2, I watched on television as Ryan announced that he was going pro. Leigh Steinberg was standing next to him.

Losing Ryan, who would end up being the No. 2 overall pick in 1998, hurt, and that will never completely go away. But Ryan also did something I found somewhat redeeming. During training camp of his rookie year with the Chargers, I went down to San Diego. I met him in the lobby of the team’s facility, and after coming back with me to my car he ultimately gave me $10,000 in cash — close to the total amount I had paid him. He never explained why he didn’t sign with me nor did he apologize for breaking the promise he made to my dying father, but at least he paid me back.

My parents’ deaths and my missing out on Ryan changed how I looked at my life. In 1997 I met the woman who would become my wife, and I wanted to start a family. I was also getting to an age when it wasn’t fun partying with college kids anymore.

The last player I went after with Doc was R. Jay Soward, a receiver at USC. At the beginning of almost every month during the 1999 season, I would give him $1,500. R. Jay and I were cool; we got along great. But after the season, when he told his father that we had taken care of him, his dad was so mad that he refused to let R. Jay sign with us.

In 1999 the NFLPA had changed a rule to say that players who were found to have taken money from agents while in college would not have to pay the money back. Before, agents had the threat of litigation, so it was often easier for a player to just let the paying agent do his rookie deal. However, the floodgates opened after the NFLPA changed that rule. Players, their parents, everyone put their hands out because there were no ramifications.

R. Jay’s dad knew about the rule change, and he told Doc, “We don’t have to repay you s—.”

That was the last straw. You would think I would have left the business altogether, but I still loved being an agent and being around the sport and players. However, I knew that to keep going I needed to become a different kind of agent, and to do that I needed a new partner.

RAISING THE STAKES

Whenever some college kid asks me how he can become an agent, I tell him, “Go get tight with a player and serve him up as leverage to get a job [with an agenting firm].” The bottom line is that no agent is going to work with you unless you bring something to the table that he doesn’t have.

I had a skill — I could recruit all the big schools on the West Coast — and I needed to find an agent who valued that. Gary Wichard was one of the biggest around, the guy who represented Brian Bosworth, Keith Brooking, Jason Taylor and others. But even though Gary’s company, Pro Tect Management, was in Pacific Palisades, Calif., overlooking the ocean, he had almost no West Coast clients.

I reached out to him at the 2000 Senior Bowl. Eventually, Gary recognized what I could bring to the table, and we agreed to a contract that paid me 25% of the commission on any player we signed from any school in the Pacific or Mountain time zones except Utah, because Gary had an in at that program. The deal was less than the 50-50 split I had with Doc, but I had gotten married and was looking to provide for my family, and I thought Gary could help me become the agent I wanted to be.

Immediately, Gary told me that he recruited differently and that the Wild West way I learned under Doc wasn’t going to fly. He said I needed to be “reprogrammed.” There would be no more partying with players, no more paying players. That was music to my ears.

Much of how I recruited with Gary was similar to before: cold calls, going to schools, introducing myself to players and getting close to them and their families. The difference now was that I had something special to sell: Gary and his client list.

Gary was a master in front of kids. If I got him in a room with a prospect and he made his presentation, we had a great shot at signing the player. Gary put together what he called a Game Plan for each prospect he recruited. Each Game Plan came in a large bound book that contained, among other things, information on how Gary had improved his clients’ draft stock over the years. Of course, he left out his clients who fell in the draft, but the college players bought it. At one point in our presentation, Gary would hold up the Game Plans for two players from the previous year’s draft, one in each hand. One was for a player who signed with him, and one was for a kid who didn’t and was drafted lower. “Next year, what hand do you want your Game Plan to be in?” he would say. It was brilliant.

Gary also used his contacts in the media to help him recruit. In 2000, before a meeting with Stanford defensive lineman Willie Howard, Gary arranged for ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper to call. Gary and I were talking to Willie in Gary’s office when Gary’s phone rang, and he put it on speakerphone.

“Viper, how are you?” Gary said. That’s what he called Mel, Viper or Vipe. “Viper, I’m sitting here with the best defensive lineman in college football. Do you know who that is?”

“You must be with Willie Howard,” Mel said.

Gary used Mel like that all the time. In the agent business, people know Gary and Mel are close, and some people suspect that Mel Kiper ranks players more favorably if they are Gary’s clients.

In my first year with Gary, I successfully recruited Willie and also Adam Archuleta and Todd Heap, both from Arizona State. In the 2001 draft Adam and Todd were picked in the first round and Willie in the second. I’d never had a haul like that when I was with Doc, so even though I was getting a smaller percentage, I was making more money. My wife and I had our first daughter the month after the draft, and I remember that Gary told my wife what a gifted recruiter I was and that we had a bright future.

Gary used his contacts in the coaching community to help him get players. This has recently come into public view, as the NCAA and the state of North Carolina are investigating the Tar Heels football program and whether John Blake, a Carolina assistant coach since 2007, steered players to Gary and received money from him. It’s no secret in the agent business that some college coaches steer players to certain agents. I laughed when I heard Gary deny in the media that John ever worked with Pro Tect.

When I was with Gary, John worked hand in hand with us, and Gary called him his “partner.” John was the defensive line coach of the Dallas Cowboys when they won Super Bowls XXVIII and XXX, and the head coach at Oklahoma from ’96 through ’98. He was one of the best recruiters I’d ever seen. He was just electric, and I leveraged him to get clients whenever I could. In ’02 two of the biggest clients we got were due, in large part, to John. He went with Gary and me to meet with Fresno State defensive lineman Alan Harper, and Gary and I had John work out defensive end Kenyon Coleman from UCLA before his senior year. That was an NCAA violation, but it wasn’t like paying a kid. It was helping Kenyon become a better player.

Alan and Kenyon were talented, but what I remember most about the 2002 draft were the kids we missed. Before the 2002 Rose Bowl between Miami and Nebraska, I brought Hurricanes tight end Jeremy Shockey to Gary’s house in Westlake. Shockey is this kid from Ada, Okla., so who does Gary have waiting for him when he arrives? The Boz, Brian Bosworth. The dinner went great, but then Shockey signed with Drew Rosenhaus.

That year I also set up meetings with Cal cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha and Washington defensive lineman Larry Triplett, but Gary wouldn’t see them. Why would Gary pass on potential first-rounders? It was around that time that Leigh Steinberg sued former partner David Dunn, a young guy who had left him and taken a lot of clients. After that, every big agent started looking at younger employees more warily. I think Gary viewed me that way too. He told me, “What happened with Leigh will never happen to me. I’ve got my house in order.”

In 2003 I helped Gary get Arizona State defensive end Terrell Suggs, the No. 10 overall pick, USC running back Justin Fargas and others, but I started feeling as if Gary were trying to limit the number of clients I could claim. He turned me down when I asked him to meet with kids, and — without me present — he tried to meet with kids I had recruited. He also belittled me in front of people, saying I didn’t have a college degree and wouldn’t be anything without him.

My wife and I had our second daughter that year, and I was making good money, but it became hell working with Gary. Once, when I told him that we were in danger of losing a prospect and that he needed to call him, he yelled, “You don’t tell me what to do. No one tells me what to do.”

It took another year, but by August 2004 I had finally had enough. I handed Gary my letter of resignation and then spent an hour listening as he told me I should find a new profession. “Josh, you are a great salesman. You can be successful in any business,” he said, and then he offered to call a friend of his who worked at Mattel. I knew he just didn’t want me out there recruiting against him.

As I walked out of his office, I thanked Gary. I think I did far more for him than he did for me, but as much as I hated to admit it, Gary had taught me a ton.

HOLLYWOOD, BABY

This is what it was like at the top: It’s 2006, and I am sitting in an office in a building in Beverly Hills, and a whole floor is dedicated to the sports-agency division. Huge pictures of clients like Corey Dillon and Rodney Harrison hang on the walls. I am on the phone with Dallas Cowboys defensive end Marcus Spears. I’m trying to persuade him to switch agents, and I’m telling him to come to L.A. I sense hesitation, so I put the phone out the window.

“Do you hear that, Marcus? Do you hear it?” I yell. “You know what that is? That’s Hollywood, baby. Hollywood’s calling. You gonna answer the call?”

A week later, Marcus was in my office signing a representation agreement.

The transforming development in the agent business in the 2000s was Hollywood’s move into sports. It started when CAA lured Tom Condon from IMG in 2005. The firm that represented Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie joined forces with the guy who represented Peyton and Eli Manning. That deal overshadowed another one: Steve Feldman and I joined The Gersh Agency, another of Hollywood’s big talent firms.

After I left Gary Wichard, I teamed up with Steve, who had a small but solid client base that included Dillon and Harrison. Almost instantly we got some new clients, including troubled Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett (for whom we did some of our best work; a player no team should have touched got taken in the third round). But it was nothing like when Steve and I joined Gersh. At our new agency, we had something powerful to sell to players: celebrity. We told them, “Come sign with us and be a star.” We put Marcus Spears in a TV pilot; NFL wideout Kassim Osgood made a guest appearance on Jericho; when I was recruiting receiver Steve Smith from USC we got him on an MTV pilot. We were selling TV and movies to athletes, and it was like having the freakin’ Golden Calf.

Steve and I got meetings with almost any player we wanted. Tight end Dustin Keller, an eventual first-rounder out of Purdue, paid his own way to come see us. That doesn’t happen. In November 2005, Steve and I flew to Ohio State to talk to receiver Santonio Holmes. We met him outside the football building, and he said, “Listen, I want to save you the time. We don’t need to meet. I’ve been taking money from [an agent] the last couple years, and he’s been taking care of my family too.”

Had it been 10 years earlier, I would have probably said, “Santonio, whatever he’s paying you, I’ll double it.” But now, being at Gersh, I had Hollywood to sell. Let the other agents pay kids.

That first year at Gersh was the best of my career. We were making inroads with all sorts of clients. I was earning a six-figure salary plus bonuses. I had health benefits for the first time. My wife was happy. It was everything I wanted.

Then it all came crashing down.

A year after I left Gary, I sued him for breach of contract because he had stopped paying me the 25% I was owed on the clients I helped him recruit. Just before I filed my lawsuit, one of those clients, wideout Keenan Howry, sent me a commission check for $5,320. I was not sure what to do with it. I wasn’t going to give it to Gary so I gave the check to my lawyer, who deposited it into a trust account.

In 2007 I lost my lawsuit against Gary. During the lawsuit, Gary’s lawyer sent me a letter that stated that if I didn’t settle the case for $50,000, Gary would file a grievance against Keenan over that $5,320 check, which he ultimately did. The union looked into the matter and determined that because I had given the check to my lawyer rather than passing it on to Gary, I had breached my fiduciary duty to Keenan. The NFLPA suspended me for a year and fined me $25,000.

Gary, his lawyer and the union knew where that check was; Keenan was also fully aware that I had given it to my lawyer. There was no intent to do anything wrong, and yet when the suspension came down, it came across as if I had stolen that check, as if I were some sort of thief.

I know people may not believe my version of events. Gary and the NFLPA will have a different view, I’m sure. I should have been suspended 100 times for all the players I paid, but not for what they did suspend me for.

Because of the suspension, I was done at Gersh after a little more than two years there. The agency didn’t have much use for an agent who couldn’t work for 12 months and who had that on his résumé. To survive as an agent after the suspension, with other agents using it to recruit against me, I would have had to start paying players again. I wouldn’t do it.

On Jan. 28, 2008, the day the NFLPA declined the appeal of my suspension, I walked into a commercial real estate office near my home in Encino and signed up for a training program.

That was it. I would keep the two loyal clients who didn’t leave me after the suspension, but I wouldn’t recruit anymore. For all intents and purposes, I was done as an agent.

COMING CLEAN

Why am I doing this? Why am I telling everything? There are a few small reasons and one big one.

People should know how the agent business really works, how widespread the inducements to players are and how players have their hands out. It isn’t just the big, bad agents making them take money. People think the NFLPA is monitoring agents, but it is mostly powerless. People should also be aware of all that an agent does for his clients. Catering to their needs can be an all-consuming job.

But those are the small reasons.

Recently, my nine-year-old daughter got an iTouch, and she has figured out how to get on the Internet. My six-year-old is not far behind. At some point, they are going to Google their daddy’s name, and before this story they would have found only page after page of stuff saying how I was suspended. I was a good agent and I took care of my players. I don’t want my career to be defined by that suspension.

Nobody would care about my version of what happened with Keenan Howry’s $5,320 check unless I came clean about everything else. As I said earlier, you have to leverage what you’ve got to get what you want. What I had to leverage were the stories about paying players and all the other dirt.

Now, maybe, when my daughters Google me, they will see that I worked hard to give them a good life. And for those people who will call me a cheater for paying players and breaking NCAA rules, or who will think I am a snitch for telling how the agent business works, well, I’ll just say what so many players said to me over the years:

Sorry, I gotta do what is best for me and my family.

RESPONSES

• When informed of the allegation that he had accepted money from Luchs, Kanavis McGhee asked SI to call back the next day. He did not return subsequent phone and e-mail messages from SI.

• Greg Townsend confirmed the details of his relationship with Luchs.

• Chuck Webb could not be reached for comment (SI left messages for Webb through his family).

• Mel Agee, Harold (Doc) Daniels, Chris Mims, Travis Claridge and Leon Bender are deceased.

• Carl Greenwood, Othello Henderson, Matt Soenksen, Chris ­Alexander, Bruce Walker, Jonathan Ogden and Singor Mobley confirmed receiving money or extra benefits from Luchs.

• Jamir Miller, Tony Banks and John Rushing declined to comment.

• Ryan Fien, Joel Steed and Torey Hunter said they did not receive money from Luchs.

• Vaughn Parker said he knew Luchs but had no comment as to whether he took money from Luchs.

• Greg Thomas, Delon Washington and Darick Holmes did not respond to phone messages.

• Phalen Pounds said Luchs was “a good guy” but declined to comment as to whether he took money.

• Rob Waldrop denied that Luchs paid him. He recalled that he had lunch with Luchs and that Luchs offered to pay a friend in an effort to get to Waldrop, but he said that he did not accept any money.

• Ryan Leaf declined to comment on specific allegations. “I remember Josh,” Leaf said in a statement. “As I recall, he was an old hometown friend of one or two of my teammates and we all hung out a bit. I don’t remember him aspiring to be an agent. We were all about the same age and we were interested in having a good time more than anything else.”

• R. Jay Soward confirmed receiving money from Luchs.

• Gary Wichard’s lawyer, Howard Silber, said his client declined to ­comment.

• Mel Kiper denied that it was prearranged for him to call during the Willie Howard meeting or any other. “I would never have called Gary, but Gary and other agents often call me and ask me to speak to players,” said Kiper. “Gary is my friend, but I do that all the time for many different agents. I give players my opinion of them as football players. But I would never promote Gary or any other agent to a player.” As for the belief among some agents that he favors Wichard’s clients, Kiper said, “My player ratings are not related to my relationship with Gary or any other agent. There are many examples of players Gary represented who I have not ranked highly.” (Howard confirmed to SI Luchs’s account of Kiper’s calling during Howard’s meeting with Luchs and Wichard.)

• John Blake’s lawyer, William H. Beaver II, said his client declined to comment.

• Kenyon Coleman declined to comment.

• Jeremy Shockey did not respond to messages left through the Saints or his agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

• Through a New York Jets spokesperson, Santonio Holmes denied taking money from any agent while in college or telling Luchs and Steve Feldman that he had taken money. Feldman confirmed to SI that Holmes told him and Luchs that an agent was paying him.

TAGS: Sports Handicapper | Football Betting | Josh Luchs | Ex-Agent Paid College Athletes |

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Braylon Edwards, and his beard Arrested for DWI

Braylon Edwards finally showed up on the field for the Jets’ crucial win Sunday over the Patriots, also showed up in headlines early Tuesday morning.

Edwards, was pulled over in his Range Rover in New York City around 5:15 am this morning for a routine traffic stop, due to having his windows tinted too dark.

At that point, Braylon’s Beard started to show signs of intoxication according to NYC Police, and he was asked to take a Breathalyzer test. Edwards’ and his beard obliged, “it” blew a .16 – which is double the legal limit of .08.

Braylon Edwards was arrested at that point, and taken to the NY District Prison in Manhattan. It doesn’t seem like Edwards spent much time there, as per his twitter account roughly 3 hours later: “GoodMorning World…Winning is the goal, perfection is the aspiration, & dedication is the key to unlock the door #LetsWork.”

It’s clear that Braylon, and his superiors have differing opinions on what dedication is – The Jets expressed their disappointment in the receiver in a statement from general manager Mike Tannenbaum on Tuesday. “We are very disappointed in Braylon’s actions this morning. The Player Protect program is in place for our organization to prevent this situation. Braylon is aware of this program and showed poor judgment. We are reviewing the information with the league and will impose the appropriate disciplinary measures.”

It’s not clear where Braylon, and his beard were coming from early Tuesday morning. Rumors have surfaced that after executing “The Dougie” so poorly in his post touchdown celebration he, and guard Brandon Moore were fine tuning the dance at a Manhattan night club in preparation for Sunday Nights Nationally Televised game against the Miami Dolphins.

No punishment or fines have been handed down by either the NFL, or the Jets at this point. Expect judgment on Edwards disciplinary actions prior to Sunday Nights game.

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5 Steps to making Football Season a profitable one.

The time of year that excites us men is virtually in site! Tailgating, Fantasy Football, late Monday Night’s, time away from our better halves – these are just a few of the finer things Football Season offers the male gender.

Another thing Football Season can offer is…MONEY! As men, we love making money when it’s fun – and can be done with a beer in hand. So here are some must-read tips from The World’s #1 Football Advisor that you should pay close attention to if you’re a fan of the greenbacks!

RULE #5 – THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A LOCK! This is a very important rule to keep buried in the back of your head. Just because the Pittsburgh Steelers are 10-2 and playing the 3-9 Cleveland Browns on Sunday, doesn’t mean the game is “a lock.” It only takes one LOCK to lose for most people to understand this concept. Nothing is a 100% certainty in this business. If there was were zero risk involved, wouldn’t everyone be doing it?

RULE #4 – STAY EMOTIONLESS WHEN BETTING! This is a very important rule for most to grasp when first starting. Just like most people, everyone is fan of a particular team but; you can’t let that come into play when betting. It blurs your decision-making and in the end, your bias towards a certain team will only lose you money. You have to look at each game with a clear mind and weigh your decision using logic – not based upon your love for a particular team, but upon the bottom-line facts. As a result, you should be able to wager on teams you root for (and against), but you must keep a clear, unbiased mind towards all teams.

RULE #3 – ALWAYS FOLLOW A BANKROLL SYSTEM! This rule might be just as important, or go hand in hand with the next rule we will get to. With that said; there is no need to get greedy in this business. Greed will always catch up with you. This isn’t Blackjack or Roulette where if yo go 2-0 Saturday in College Football, we should press our winnings Sunday in the NFL because we are on a hot streak. Discipline is critical in sports betting because wins and losses always occur in streaks. The biggest problem is that most bettors get too aggressive during hot streaks, and get cold feet during cold streaks. Streaks do not last forever, so stay consistent with your bankroll and NEVER, EVER chase your losses.

RULE #2 – NEVER BET MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD TO LOSE! This is the most important rule in this business today! We refer to it as “THE GOLDEN RULE” of Sports Betting. Now, if you have been betting on sports for while – this seems like an obvious statement. However; each and every football season attracts new blood – and those doing this for the very first time, and think making money will be a breeze, have another thing coming. Just like anything, you will make mistakes your very first time – so this rule must be embedded in your head!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE TO FOLLOW FOR THE UPCOMING FOOTBALL SEASON IS………..

RULE #1 – ALWAYS GET YOUR FOOTBALL ADVICE FROM PAYNEINSIDER.COM! At PayneInsider we accommodate your every sports betting want, and need. PayneInsider has the best Football handicapping service on the internet, bar none! Join PayneInsider and be part of a winning team today. We provide daily selections with complete research, analysis, and insider information. We also are among the best in the industry at setting you up with strict guidelines to managing your money (Bankroll). In an uncertain industry, be a part of something certain during Football Season. We are ranked in the top 1% of all sports handicappers in a 300 billion dollar industry each and every year. That’s an elite group that makes consistent profits betting on sports, and we are proud to be in such an elite class. The other 99% of the betting industry are consistent losers; don’t make your first losing pick of the Football Season by not choosing PayneInsider.com for your information!

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Rookie Salaries: A Major Problem for the NFL

Written By: Michael McCollum

The issue is quite simple. The NFL has for a long-time had a fundamental flaw with the way in which it pay its players; particularly rookies. Unlike the other professional sports, that understand how to structure rookie contacts, the NFL is still lagging drastically behind. Both the NBA & MLB understand that results equal high reward. But it mystifies me that the NFL continues to act in an opposite fashion. Unproven rookies, that are yet to even take a down in the NFL, are the ones given robust contracts, while teams are forced to scramble to release, or restructure, the contracts of proven veterans on their teams; players that have proven their worth and value on the football field.

The NBA & MLB structure their contracts in such a way that rookies are capped on the amount of money that they can make on their first contract. Just like the NFL, the higher you are drafted, the bigger your contract. The distinct difference with the NBA & NHL’s highest lottery picks is there is still a cap on the amount that they can be offered. The NBA, NHL, & MLB make their players prove themselves before they receive major contracts. This allows for teams to actually have a body of professional work to evaluate before making an investment that is going to do serious damage to their salary caps. But NFL GM’s and owners are equipped only with college game footage to determine whether they should make a first round rookie one of the highest paid players, if not the highest paid player, on their team. Does the NFL really think that this is logical?

Now, one of the arguments for this system is that it is usually the bad teams in every league that pick the highest. Conventional wisdom says that the good teams are good because they have the good players; and good players are paid well because they are good players. That same conventional wisdom also says that bad teams are bad because they are full of bad players; and bad players are paid (or even released) because they aren’t very good. So let’s just say that, indeed, it is the weaker teams that have the most money to spend to try and improve their teams. Well in the NFL, their money isn’t as long as it would be in the NBA & NHL because the higher you draft the more money a team has to cough up. This is common knowledge, but the problem (with the NFL system) is only compounded by the fact that the ceiling continues to rise every year in terms of how much these top pick NFL rookies can be paid. So a bad team is forced to spend top-5 pick money on a player that hasn’t even played a down. So in reality, how much are bad teams truly able to improve when 1 rookie eats up all of their expendable cap-room money? Not very much at all. Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a reason why the top players get drafted early in the first round. They wouldn’t be taken at that point if they weren’t good. But the problem is that, chances are, bad teams need to improve in many areas, not just the one position that they took the top rookie for. This is another problem that a rookie salary cap would directly address. By limiting what rookies can make for their first contract, it frees up more dollars for teams to venture out into the free agent market and sign more players to fix glaring holes on both the offensive and defensive sides of the ball. Free agent players that, unlike rookies, are proven commodities. Teams know what available players on the free agent market can do because they have years of actually NFL game time & statistics to look at.

What a rookie salary cap would also do is help teams to keep their own veterans. Every team has players that they don’t want to lose, yet after every season most teams are forced to make the decision to release key contributors solely based on money. Teams know that they have to shed precious dollars off the salary cap in order to be able to sign their rookies and re-sign other vital players on the team. But by putting restrictions on rookie salaries, teams won’t have to worry about freeing up tons of money in order to sign their rookies. They can, instead, focus those dollars on signing more of their own players that they would have formerly had to release. Players that their respective cities have grown to love and appreciate for all that they have done for the team.

Imposing a rookie salary scale would also improve locker room relations. I know for a fact that veterans on NFL teams cannot be happy about the contracts that rookies are getting when they join teams. They have to almost feel insulted that a 21 year old kid, that has done absolutely nothing, is making way more money than they are; especially the really good players that make less than a rookie. A rookie salary scale would ensure that rookies coming in would not be making more money than the team’s already established best players. A natural and just hierarchy would be established.

Lastly, I believe that this rookie salary provision would greatly improve the work ethic of incoming first year players. While I have no doubt that rookie players come in and work really hard, you have to figure that it’s just a tad bit harder to work your butt off on the practice field when you already have a $50 million contract. I’m a firm believer that you always work harder for something when you have to earn it. No disrespect, but these high first-round pick rookies aren’t earning these mega contracts; they are being handed them. They will study harder, tackle better, run faster, just plain work harder all the way around because they will know that they have to perform really well in order to get really get paid. Again, the other major sports do this so why doesn’t the NFL?

This issue could easily be fixed if the NFL would just quit being stubborn and fall in line with the rest of the professional sports organizations. It’s common sense because (in a nutshell) it would free up more cap space for teams, while also making rookies actually earn a mega contract. But if they continue to do nothing about it, rookies will soon be signing $100 million contracts in a few years while even more veterans will be given the pink slip in order to try and pay for that rookies huge deal. It’s a simple fix Mr. Goodell. You came in like gang-busters implementing a bunch of new policies aimed at making the league better. Well here is another opportunity to do just that.

TAGS: Richest NFL Rookie Contracts | NFL

Sports betting hedge fund believable?

Beyond the jersey-wearing, drunken frat boy antics there is a master mind approach to business for Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

Roughly six years ago, Mark Cuban caused quite a stir when he announced on his blog his intentions to launch a sports betting hedge fund. He went on to validating an argument that betting on sports, due to the amount of information available, was much easier than being a player in the stock market.

The Sports Gambling industry has never officially been able to tally up it’s yearly worth – but rough estimations slate this booming industry at 300-billion annually.

Those staggering numbers illustrate why Cuban wanted in. Unfortunately, a whole bunch of obstacles, including the NBA’s bylaws that prohibit those in the league from being involved with gambling be-headed his idea.

Just because Mark Cuban couldn’t advance his idea, we live in a world where great ideas don’t go away forever…

Soon, an investment company in London named Centaur has just launched it’s Sports Betting hedge fund called Galileo. The managers analyze and trade the betting markets, taking the emotion out of the betting game and put a quantitative analysis in its place.

Tony Woodhams, managing director of Centaur said: “We have unique software we’ve written over five years that ensures we purely trade on statistics and probabilities. The process is very clinical, which is our edge.”

Woodhams went on to second Cuban’s notion when he said that the sports market has more inefficiencies (mispricing) than the stock market to capitalize on.

Being in the industry myself, this is an obvious conclusion the two have agreed upon. With that said Bookmakers don’t often set the best lines for every game in terms of mathematical numbers. The general idea of a sports book that sets wagering lines is to get split, 50-50 action on both teams involved in a particular game. Granted this doesn’t always work out, and books too have an invested interest in who wins or loses but; generally this is the concept. You ask how do Sports Books make money then? Well, it makes money by charging a 10% Vig. So when you go place your wager you are paying that 10% up front on the amount you chose to bet. They have no problem paying me the winner $100, if they are taking $110 from you, the loser.

There are many skeptics to the Galileo’s hedge fund but, Woodhams says the sports hedge fund’s projected rate of return is 15 to 25 percent. That’s after fees, which include a 3 percent management fee and a hefty 30 percent performance fee on net profits.

Personally, I think it’s a flat out joke with those guarantees/projections, and fees. Further more, with them doing the investing for you – how is it possible to move that amount of money on a single game for all of it’s clients? If they had say… just a measly 100 clients that moved $5,000 a game, who would accept a $500,000 wager on a random Tuesday night on game #63 of the NBA when the Kings play the Clippers? If they did have something set up where they disperse the funds to different sports books, as soon as one casino took the action the others would be alerted and adjust their lines accordingly before they were able to get down more money at the proceeding books.

In an industry that I will fully admit doesn’t have many regulations – specially outside of the United States, I would be very careful with this. Rumor has it this hedge fund is only viable for non U.S. residents with hopes for U.S. expansion in early 2011.

This industry has the potential for any Sports Advisor or Handicapper to make hand over fist if they are going about things the correct way, and making their clients money. Whether it’s a single man operation or a large hedge fund this industry has the potential to yield huge profits. I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know the type of success we have at this very website, and the cost isn’t remotely close to that of a hedge fund – and our profits are far greater. We accommodate to everybody. From the first time sports bettor moving $50 a game, to the guy who is moving $10,000 a game – winning is winning, and that is what we do better than anybody else, bar none!

PayneInsider.com is living proof of this – we are here to accommodate your every sports betting want, and need. PayneInsider.com is the #1 sports handicapping service on the internet. Here at PayneInsider we provide daily selections with complete research, analysis, and insider information. We also are among the best in the industry at setting you up with strict guidelines to managing your money (Bankroll). In an uncertain industry, be a part of something certain. We are in the top 1% of all sports handicappers in a 300 billion dollar industry each year. That’s an elite group that makes consistent profits betting sports, and we are proud to be in such an elite class. The other 99% of the betting community are consistent losers; you make the choice of what team you want to be a part of…

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“The Diesel” Shaquille O’neal is no longer parking his truck in Shaunie.

Even with final stages to the divorce process between “The Diesel” Shaquille O’Neal, and his wife Shaunie to be handled – she seems to have officially moved on.

Shaunie ( for now ) O’neal, was spotted with her new 23-Year Old boy-toy model Marlon Yates in Maui prancing in the sand, smiling from ear to ear.

“He’s very mature,” says Shaunie, who adds that the couple’s age difference is a benefit. “The age thing keeps it fun. The energy level, being out on the beach. He is working out all the time and he inspires me to work out.”

Reports surfaced back in November that the two had been dating – but the couple took “a big step” in their relationship by going on a vacation together for the first time, says Shaunie.

I feel like I’ve seen this movie before: “How Shaunie got her groove back,” or something like that. It remains to be seen if a 23-year old model like Marlon will hold on to the 35-year old and the excess baggage that comes with it, but for now…let the good times roll!

TAGS: PayneInsider.com | Divorce | Shaquille O’neal

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Tiger Woods, and his 10-Million dollar bail out.

Talk about a settlement! The information we get is top notch and they are saying Tiger paid off Mistress #1 Rachel Uchitel, a whopping 10-Million to keep her mouth shut.

When news first broke of Tiger Woods and his straying one-eye, it had been said the settlement was in the 2-5 million range. However, this was wife #2 for Tiger – this was his main mistress, she knew everything!

Tiger was so concerned with the depth and detail of information from Rachel Uchitel that him and the attorney’s folded like a cheap suit, and offered the huge $10 million sum in return for an ironclad confidentiality agreement.

Just take a step back and think about this for a moment… 10 million for a mistress? This breaks all kinds of world records – typically mistresses settle for a few hundred-thousand, if any at all.

Can you imagine what current ( and not for long ) wife Elin could potentially walk away with? The reports of hundreds of millions are way out of wack but; she could definitely see three times what Rachel received.

TAGS: Rachel Uchitel | $10 Million

Lakers lose three straight. Kobe Bryant and Matt Barnes go at it.

The Magic hand the Lakers their third straight loss (96-94), and avenge last seasons championship defeat.

You can tell the NBA Playoffs are around the corner – tempers flared, and technical fouls were handed out like presents.

The game within the game seemed to be Kobe Bryant vs. Matt Barnes, the two of them went back and forth all afternoon. We know Matt Barnes has no love for “The Lake Show” – years back while with Golden State he put a hammer shot on then Laker Ronny Turiaf.

I can’t imagine what would come about if these two teams met again in 7-Game Finals setting. Bryant and Barnes were the main event but; Gasol and Howard’s battle in the paint was a close preliminary bout. The two exchanged elbows, shirt pulling, flagrant fouls, and some heated words.

With that said, both these teams in their current state look like a shell of last years championship teams.

Suddenly, late in the season the Lakers look to be aging. Fisher’s 37 in August , Artest is 32 in November and looks like he’s playing with concrete shoes. Kobe is well into his 30’s and has more wear on the tires than Goodyear. The spark to this team last year was wiry swing-man Trevor Ariza who they lost in the off-season to the Houston Rockets.

On the flip side, the question is…Do the Magic miss Hedo Turkoglu more than he misses them? Hedo was their ball handler late in games on the pick and roll – and the clutch shot taker. He hit the border for Canada in the off-season and the larger check, but he’s had one of his worst seasons ever with the Raptors. The key to Orlando’s success is which Vince Carter shows up. Is is it the one who attacks the hoop and gets others involved – or the lazy one who hoists 26 foot 3-pointers like he’s anticipating a rule change.

With that said; I wouldn’t mind seeing 7 straight games with the tag team match up of Barnes & Howard Vs. Bryant & Gasol….That has pay per view written all over it!

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I’m not cold, I’m thermally challenged.


Written By: Ari Bazinsky
Owner of: Relax, it’s just life

So I’ve been in Chicago for a week now and here’s my analysis: it’s fucking freezing. And I don’t mean “let’s not forget our jackets” freezing – I mean “my balls ascended 8 inches into my stomach on the way to work” freezing. It’s unbelievable that this city was even developed. I understand the first group of settlers coming here in the summer and being excited about this wonderful, undiscovered land. But sometime during that first winter, shouldn’t somebody have approached Louis and Clark about the weather? “Uhhhh, hey you guys, I know you’re the leaders and all, and you’ve managed to find this hot little Indian girl who’s undoubtedly letting you two ride the train on her every night, but it’s cold as shit here. I’ve lost three body parts this week alone. Do you think maybe we can head south now?” (Okay, so Louis and Clark didn’t really discover Chicago, but I was having a tough time making a joke out of the forceful removal of an entire group of people from their land.)

Anyways, if you happen to be lucky enough to visit the Windy City during the winter – don’t. I can’t emphasize this point strongly enough. You know how everyone in Florida is super cold right now and doesn’t want to go outside? Well take that feeling – I mean really grasp it tight, like one of those little spongy stress balls – and then throw it right out the fucking window. You can’t even compare it to this hellish nightmare so don’t try. Just thank god that when you go to work in the morning you don’t have to worry about the fluid in your eyes spontaneously freezing, rendering you unable to blink as 40 mph wind blows snow into your preciously fragile retinas.

By the way, my internship is going great. I’m really liking the agency.

TAGS: Windy City | Chicago Bulls | Chicago Cubs | Chicago White Sox | Louis and Clark

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