Written By: Ari Bazinsky
After a long hiatus, I figured I’d get back in the blogging game with my take on everyone’s favorite serial philanderer: Tiger Woods. We’ve all heard the numerous theories over the past few weeks. His wife bashed in the window while chasing him. He was on sleeping pills. He was drunk. Well, I have a theory of my own. I think Tiger was chasing the most hallowed record in sports.
You see, he’s already captured the world of golf. Nobody on the PGA Tour should even be on the same course as him. So Tiger decided to crossover and challenge Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 women mark. Now I know what your thinking: “Nobody’s touching 20,000. That’s tougher than DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak.” But I think Tiger is going for it and I’m pretty sure he’s going to get it.
Consider the facts. Fourteen have already come clean, which in celebrity numbers is approximately 7,428. Plus, he’s only 33-years-old. With modern ED drugs, that’s like being a horny college freshman all over again (which raises an interesting question: should Wilt’s record be counted separately since he was performing in the pre-Viagra era?) And with the advancements we’ve made in prenatal genetics, I’d say Tiger is about a decade away from having his own fleet of Aryan porn stars to tear through at his leisure. So even with this minor PR setback, I think he hits 20,000 before his 60th birthday. Now all that’s left is to see how the overly-competitive Michael Jordan reacts to this revelation.
Some may say “Enough with the Tiger Woods stuff already” but; this topic is grand for many reasons. First, who knew Elin had such a mean swing of her own? And second, let’s take a look at some of the ladies Tiger’s been chasing. That’s a wide range, of all shapes and sizes. Tiger doesn’t hate when it comes to women. They’re grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!